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Did you STEAL a phone? FUCK YOU! (Dallas BBQ - Monday)

Dear Thieving Asshole Conniving Fuck Phone Stealer:

You are a complete and utter shit!! I hope your first day in hell is full of people skull fucking you with flaming ten foot long dildos.

What have you done to incur my wrath?? You stole my girlfriends phone! My girlfriend is young and cute and just ONE MONTH ago bought herself a Blackberry Tour and you STOLE IT! What kind of person just steals things??? Are you some kind of a fucking animal? If so, why did anyone let you come into Dallas BBQ on Monday night? While she was there kicking back with her girlfriend, trying to have a good time, you fucking LURK along and steal her phone? What kind of fucking shit demon are you? You made a young girl cry with your actions!! Are you proud of yourself?

We’ve been keeping an eye on ebay and CL and you haven’t tried to sell it, so what’s your deal? Just picked it up and figured you’d keep it? That’s bullshit, man. You know it’s expensive, you know it doesn’t belong to you - you need to make sure it gets back to it’s rightful owner. It’s just the right thing to do.

So - either bring it back to Dallas BBQ’s lost and found (because we’ve been calling there every day since), or email me and I’ll give you a bunch of addresses you can mail it back to or drop it off at. If you want money, we can deal - I JUST WANT THE PHONE.

And if you act now, I’ll forget the part where you made my girlfriend cry. Reluctantly. But still, this is a generous offer.

Please - I just want the phone. Be a man. Send an email and maybe we’ll even have a beer together and become best of friends. But probably not, because you’re a Thieving Asshole Conniving Fuck Phone Stealer.

Free beer - or eternity in Hell? I’ll let you decide…

Location: New York

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/laf/1308112620.html